By: Cleliexx
Disclaimer this short story is written by me and not for use of anyone else.
Amara looked through the window at the trees passing by. The blur of green, orange, and red leaves made her head feel light. She smiled, pressed her forehead against the chilly glass, and closed her eyes, savoring the swirling sensation. It was like spinning in an office chair as a child or feeling the earth spin beneath your feet. All of the weightless floating with none of the effort.
“You better not be falling asleep back there,” said Sienna. Amara’s eyes snapped open and her head whipped towards the passenger seat. She squinted as her eyes fought to focus on Sienna’s. “Didn’t she say she’d stay awake?” She turned towards the driver’s seat, where Khalil snuck peeks through the rearview mirror.
“I am awake,” replied Amara. “I’ve been awake this whole time,”
“You know,” he teased, “I do remember her saying that.” Sienna let out a laugh.
“I wasn’t sleeping.”
Khalil kept one hand on the steering wheel and turned around to look at Amara.“Still the first to fall asleep. Everytime. Some things never change,” he smiled.
“Look, can you at least try to keep us alive until we get there? I‘d like to arrive fully intact!” The two of them laughed again as Amara sank back into her seat, letting out a long exhale. “Also, we were like thirteen and it was a three hour drive.”
She locked eyes with Khalil through the rearview mirror, then quickly turned to look back out the window. The leaves weren’t as colorful now. Sometime within the last ten minutes, the greens, yellows, oranges, and reds all mixed together to a muddy brown.
“Relax, you’ll be fine. We’ll be there soon, twenty minutes, tops.” Amara shifted in her seat.
When they were younger, the lake house felt like something out of a Hollywood movie; every teenager’s dream. Khalil’s mom would drive them up to New Hampshire during spring break or summer vacation, any chance they’d get. Amara remembered how they would all pile out of the car, up the stone pathway, and into the two-story house. The heat from the fireplace and the feeling of sinking into the lazy boy sofa. During the day, she and Sienna would lay out by the lake as Khalil and Sarai took turns pushing each other off of the dock. Some nights they would stay up watching horror movies or playing board games while Khalil passed around tequila from his mom’s secret stash. Ms. Denise was usually too busy with work to supervise five fourteen year olds, so they had free reign of the house. They had all of the freedom in the world.
On especially hot days they would dart around the rows and rows of oak trees that surrounded the house, spraying each other with water guns. Amara used to love to sit under those trees. They were so solid, so immovable. Even when it stormed so hard that the wind flipped the boats on the lake, they always stood firmly planted. At most, the bright green leaves would move and sway with the wind, but at the end of the storm, they were still there. It was those same foundations that made up the flat wall panels of the house and the patterned front porch, with swirls carved into the post. Every arching window, every floorboard, from the doors down to the wooden bed frames, was a product of those woods. Amara loved that house.
Looking back, those were the best times of Amara’s life. Before then, she tended to spend most of her time in her room by herself. She was the type of girl that you would pass in hallways and smile at, but never remember her name. She’d float in between lunch tables, halfheartedly laughing at other people’s jokes and avoiding eye contact. Until the beginning of seventh grade, when she and her mom moved to Stockbridge halfway through the school year.
It was her first day, during second period while she set up her clarinet for band class, when a short raven-haired girl waved her over. Introducing herself as Sarai, the girl began a tirade of questions, Where was Amara from? Why had she entered school in the middle of the year? All of the usual questions that people asked the new girl. Amara did her small talk smile and nod, and politely responded in few word answers until the band teacher, Mr. E, instructed them to start their warm ups. Later, at lunch, Sarai called Amara over to her table and introduced her to her sister, Sienna and their friend Khalil.
Two weeks later, they had basically adopted Amara as their little introvert. Sienna and Sarai would drag her to school dances, saying that she needed “the full high school experience”. Sienna spent hours, rummaging through Amara’s closet and putting makeup on her; and at the height of the dance, Khalil would pull her from her place on the wall to the dance floor. Sometimes, if she was particularly stubborn, he would physically pick her up and carry her, refusing to leave until she stayed for at least two songs. Overtime, they found that they had many things in common. She and Sienna both liked to watch the same YouTubers and Khalil would often invite her on his family hiking trips. But with Sarai, it felt like they were one and the same. They liked the same music, the same shows, read the same books, had the same sense of humor. Some nights, she and Sarai would sit on top of her roof and try to peek at the stars through the rows of towering evergreen trees. For the first time, Amara felt safe, like people actually cared about what she had to say. They were inseparable. Until the end of senior year.
“We’re here.” Khalil pulled the car up the long asphalt driveway and put it in park before popping the trunk.
Amara brought her attention back to the present and looked out the window. Her hand reached for the door handle and froze. She felt something deep behind her ribs sink and become hollow. She took a deep breath and opened the door, stepping out of the car into overgrown grass that reached up to brush her knees. What happened? She looked up at the house in silent horror, blinking several times. The large arching windows were water stained and caked with dirt. The maroon paint on the front door was peeling, exposing the cracked and brittle wood behind it. The right post on the front porch was so worn that a large chunk was taken out of it and the intricate carvings were unrecognizable from the patterns she’d known as a child. The dark gray roof that she and Sarai would lay on during clear nights had shingles falling off in rows. The gutter was clogged, the garden overgrown. And her oak trees. Where they used to stand strong and tall, they were now crooked and bent with chunks and limbs missing.
When Sienna messaged Amara out of the blue a few weeks earlier, this was not what she was expecting. Khalil’s mom always kept the house in great shape, coming up every Spring to make sure that nothing was out of place. This couldn’t be the house that she remembered.
“Well, it certainly looks different.” Sienna said while walking up behind Amara. Khalil gave Sienna a pat on the back and handed her a bag to bring inside before walking ahead. Taking a deep breath, Amara threw a backpack over her shoulder and followed behind them.
The three of them trudged up the overgrown stone pathway, bags in hand, to the brittle door that Khalil opened with his key. They ushered into the house, setting their groceries on the kitchen table, before finally settling down in the living room.
“Dude,” Sienna asked. “What the hell happened here?”
Khalil shook his head and sighed. “Remember that big nor’easter that happened October of freshman year?”
They all shook our heads. Of course they remembered, it was after the last summer they’d spent at the lake house. Most of the east coast had had to deal with flooding or power outages for almost two weeks.
“It was wild! Wind nearly took out all the trees in the backyard, and the entire property got flooded. All that water just ruined the wood or something, it’s rotten.”
“Wow.” Amara looked around the room at the strips of paint, peeling from the walls. “I knew the house got hit, but this…” Amara trailed off.
“Yeah…” Sienna said. “That’s why we couldn’t hang here that summer, remember.”
Amara didn’t remember; this was news to her.
“I texted Khalil to see if we were still gonna meet up and he said the house was under repairs. I thought it’d all be done by now though.”
No one had texted Amara.
That first year of college was the toughest for her. It was the first time that she had been truly by herself in almost six years; she’d had to completely start over. They had all split up after graduation. Sienna and Sarai got accepted into some Ivy League in upstate New York, while Khalil majored in Marketing at Amherst. She was the only one who stayed in Stockbridge. The only one who went to community college. The only one who couldn’t seem to move on. It wasn’t that she was jealous, or wished that they had stayed there with her. She wanted them to live their lives and do everything they’d talked about growing up. She was fine with them meeting new people and making new friends. She just wished they had returned her texts. Especially Sarai.
Sarai didn’t seem to have trouble adjusting to her new environment. Her Instagram was full of smiling pictures at campus events, or posing at frat parties, red solo cup in hand. She had always been good at managing her life and getting everyone to love her. In high school, she’d float from table to table at lunch time, giving everyone her Class President smile. Her entire life was planned out by sixteen. Class president, valedictorian, Bachelor’s degree, then Masters and Doctorate, before finally opening up her own Medical practice. If she felt that any part of her plan was threatened in any way, she’d had a meltdown. Like that one time she’d gotten detention for being late to Bio, after staying in the bathroom for too long. Sarai had cried for a week afterwards and offered to clean up after the lab to have it reversed. Amara never knew anyone else that looked forward to growing up as much as Sarai did.
Meanwhile, Amara struggled everyday to get out of bed and go to class. She had tried to go out and meet new people during Freshman year. She went to clubs, campus events, and even a few parties; but even the thought of talking to someone new made her shake and her throat close up. Every week for the past three years had gone by the same; school, work, home. Rinse and repeat. What Amara wanted more than anything was an escape from the monotony of everyday life. From feeling stagnant while everyone, including time, was passing ahead of her so quickly. Sarai, Khalil, Sienna. They all seemed to know what they were doing with their lives. They were genuinely excited and looking forward to the future. She didn’t know how they did it.
“Where is Sarai, by the way?” She asked, bringing her attention back to the room. “Wasn’t she supposed to be here by now?”
“Oh yeah,” Sienna’s face lit up. “I forgot. She texted me while you were sleeping. She’s gonna to be a couple of hours late. She’ll be here by dinner though.”
Amara nodded softly, looking around the room once again. Sighing, she said,
“We should probably start setting things up.”
A couple of hours later, Amara and Sienna finished unpacking while Khalil got to work on starting the grill. Just as the last set of burgers were being put on the grill, Sarai arrived with two cases of Trulies. Sienna rushed to hug her sister with Khalil and Amara following behind. Amara’s heart raced at the thought of what she should say. She settled for,
“Hey, how’ve you been?”
“I’ve been good,” Sarai replied. “I’ve been good. School’s been a pain in the ass, but…” she shrugged. “I like it. I love living in New York. The lights, the restaurants, the people. But what about you? How have you been?”
For a split second, Amara debated on whether to tell the truth. Miserable. I barely eat, I can’t sleep, yet I can’t seem to pull myself out of bed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I miss you.
Before she had to answer, she was saved by Khalil beckoning them over to the firepit. She breathed a small sigh of relief and walked ahead.
After eating, they gathered on the lakefront around the bonfire and sat in the tall wild grass sprinkled with Dandelions and Avens. They popped open some of the Trulies and Khalil took out a bottle of tequila, like old times. Sienna and Khalil began recounting old high school memories, like the time Ms. Denise found out that they’d been drinking her wine. Amara tried to stay present, to listen and laugh at their stories like everyone else, but her attention kept drifting toward the lake. She couldn’t see anything at that time of night, but still something about it was so captivating. When she turned back toward the group, her eyes met with Sarai’s, who had apparently been watching her for a while. Amara took a shot and looked back towards the lake.
“You’re awfully quiet, Mar.” Sarai said. “You alright?”
Amara turned to see that Sienna and Khalil were now also looking at her, their laughter had died down. She shrunk back into her seat.
“I’m fine,” she smiled reassuringly and reached to take another shot. “Why?” Sarai shrugged her shoulders.
“No reason, you just seem… different.” The hair on Amara’s arms raised and she could feel her ears starting to flush.
“Different… how?” Amara asked. Sienna glanced back and forth between the two girls and chuckled awkwardly.
“Come on Sarai, you know Mar’s always been quiet,” said Sienna.
“Yeah, remember that time she fell asleep in the car and we forgot her,” Khalil said laughing. “It was a good two hours before we even realized that she was missing.”
Sienna gave him a sharp look.
Amara felt her head begin to spin and reached for another shot. Was that what it was? Was she too quiet for them? Not bold enough, not funny enough, not spontaneous enough. Is that why it was so easy to forget her?
“Whoa Mar, you might want to slow down,” Khalil laughed. “That’s like your fifth shot. Take it easy.”
Amara ignored him and looked at the lake again. The sinking feeling was back. Or had it never left? Before it felt like her insides were contracting, compressing until they sat in a tiny corner in the back of her stomach. Now she could feel them growing, bigger and bigger. She was afraid that her chest would burst. She wasn’t boring. She wasn’t as exciting as their new, big city lives, or their spontaneous new friends, but she wasn’t boring. She could have fun, she could be like everyone else.
Stumbling to her feet, Amara kicked off her shoes and darted towards the docks, directly into the lake. It took all of two seconds before the freezing water cleared the fog from her head. Her arms flailed for a moment, trying to gain some momentum, as she looked at her surroundings. All she saw was pitch black and all she could feel was the weight of the water pushing her closer and closer to the bottom of the lake. It felt like hours had passed. She felt weightless.
Suddenly, Amara felt herself being dragged onto the dock, wet and shivering. As she gasped for breath, someone threw a jacket over her shoulders. She opened her eyes to see Sarai on her right, also dripping wet and laid out on the dock.
“The fuck were you thinking, Amara? It’s freezing out there!” Sienna shouted. Sarai staggered to her feet where Khalil placed his jacket around her. “You could’ve drowned!”
Amara shrugged her shoulders and brushed off the jacket that Sienna had placed over her. She already wanted to go back into the lake.
“Relax,” Amara slurred. “I would’ve been fine. I was being spontaneous. I thought you liked fun.”
“You can’t even swim.” Sarai said bitterly.
“And how would you know?” Amara looked at her sharply. “You haven’t spoken to me in three years. Not a word! None of you have!” She felt tears begin to run down her face and hoped that they would be mistaken for lake water.
“I texted, I called. You didn’t even bother to let me know when you were in town. You all just forgot about me. You don’t know anything about me!” Amara could hear her voice getting louder and louder, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. The dam that she had built had been in danger of failing for a long time, and now that it had begun to overflow, she couldn’t stop it.
Sarai, Khalil, and Sienna stood shocked at Amara’s outburst.
“We didn’t forget about you Mar, we just… got busy.” Khalil said. Amara laughed darkly. Not even he sounded like he believed that. “Besides, we invited you here. We’re your friends, and you can’t just go and do reckless shit like that. You could have drowned!”
“I’ve been drowning!” Amara sobbed. She wished that she would stop talking. “I’ve been drowning this entire time, and no one’s even noticed.”
“Mar…,” Sarai started.
Amara looked up to see that they were all staring down at her. The way you’d look at a puppy dog that had broken its paw. She was not a puppy dog.
Amara got up abruptly and stomped towards the backyard while Sienna and Khalil shouted after her. She heard Sarai tell them to let her go, but was gone before she could hear the rest
Later, Sarai walked to the backyard where she found Amara resting her head on the trunk of an oak tree. She paused and then walked toward the worn rope swing hanging from one of the remaining tree limbs. She eased herself onto the swing and looked down at Amara.
“Are you okay?”
Amara didn’t respond.
“Okay.. dumb question,” she paused. “How are you feeling?”
Amara still didn’t reply and kept looking towards the house. Amara thought that Sarai had given up until she spoke again, a few minutes later.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you were struggling, Mar; I’m sorry that I didn’t try to know. I guess we got so wrapped up with school, and our own lives, that we all just drifted apart.” Amara finally turned her head towards Sarai. “But that doesn’t mean that we don’t care about you, or that we think you’re boring.”
“I know,” Amara said. “I think there’s something wrong with me. I try to be normal, I try to act like everything is fine, but there’s a voice in the back of my head that just won’t stop. I just want things to be like how they used to be.”
“ We’re not fourteen anymore, things are never going to be the way they used to be.” Amara felt tears run down her face once again. “That’s not always a bad thing, though. I’m here now, you’re not alone.”
Amara rested her head against Sarai’s thigh and began to sob. They sat like that for a while listening to the wind and the quiet rustle of the woods.
Then there was a sound- a slow, soft creaking that was barely noticeable at first. They both looked around to find the source, when the sound ended in a sharp crack followed by Sarai landing swiftly on her butt. The rest of the rope swing landed around her, hitting Amara on the way down. For a moment, they sat there blinking up at the small knot of rope left tied to the branch.
And then they burst into laughter, wiping tears from their eyes and gasping for breath. Eventually, Sarai rose to her feet, dusted off her hands, and offered her hand to Amara. She took it, allowing Amara to pull her to her feet, and together they walked back towards the house.
Life Without Limits 